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Tuesday, June 01, 2010

No be curse. Na karma.

When I walked back into the office after my mini show down with Alhaji, the whole place was agog with gossip and there was a little welcoming committee headed up by Bad Weave waiting for me at my desk.

So not in the mood to talk with the “Ladies(I use that term veeeeerrrry loosely)" in my office today. It’s going to cut into my goggling time and anyway I know they just want to hear about Alhaji. I suppose I could lie that he was mine to make them jealous but Lagos is a small place. One of them might know somebody, who knows somebody, who once sat next to his wifey at the hairdressers and all hell could break loose. Refuse to be smacked down for trying to oppress my work colleagues.

“So, is that your boyfriend?” asks Bad Weave chick as I sit down at my desk.

“No he’s just a friend”

“Oh! Is he toasting you?”

Like it’s any of your beeswax

“Like I said…He’s just a friend.”

“Really? So you wouldn’t mind giving me his number? The bobo was too much. You and I need to be hanging out if those are the kinda guys you roll with o.”

The day I start hanging out with Bad Weave girl is the day Christian Lacroix makes an entire collection out of polyester and collaborates with Cherie Blair on design. May I never live to see such. Abi, since when do I look like Cilla Black? Even if I liked Bad Weave, which I don’t, she no look mirror before she ask if I would introduce her to a hottie? Does he look like the kinda of guy that considers Chicken Republic a first date venue? Please she should carry her plether shoes away from my desk. All her man made fibers are starting to make me itch. Anyway, if I can’t have his married ass, she as sure as hell ain't getting it.

“He’s married.”

 “That’s fine.” she says edging closer like we're about to trade top secret info.


 “I said that’s fine. Those are the best kind. They spoil you rotten and you don’t have to worry about doing the boring wife duties.”

The assembled group seems to find this funny. I am obviously surrounded by the Victoria Island chapter of The Whores of Babylon Unite.

“So you don’t have an issue with dating married men?”

“Not really. Obviously it can be annoying when you want to see them and they are giving you some dry excuse about spending time with their wife. But all in all, it’s the married ones that have it made, that’s why they are married.”

Thank you Jesus for revealing my enemies to me. Se pe I, the legal iyawo before man and God will be annoying rubbish like this because I want to spend time with my own husband? I rebuke it. It’s even good that I now know that I must never allow any of my future potentials to enter this office.

“And it doesn’t bother you that you’re intruding on another woman’s space?”

“I beg! Sebi he married her? En she should be grateful for that now. Abi do you know how many women are looking to change their name to Mrs.? I’m not intruding on anything. If her husband needs to alleviate the stress of being married to her by entertaining me, who am I to complain?”

Once again, laughter from the other members of the coven. I wonder if I should casually flick some holy water round my desk in case they are mystically downloading all my potential contacts from my BB as we speak. To be honest, not sure what shocks me the most; the fact that she is so blasé about the whole thing or that she knows  how to use the word "Alleviate" in a sentence. I'm sorry, but I've got to make my feelings known.

“Na wa! May your husband to meet women that will help him alleviate the stress of being married to you.”

 “Ah ah! Na curse?”

“Curse ke?! No be curse o. Na karma. You won’t say Amen?”

“Which one be karma again?”

Thank God. My faith in her razzness is restored.

“That’s simply means whatever you do, good or bad, will always come back to you.”

“Really? Sorry o Aunty Karma. Just because someone is even gisting with you. Like na your salary dey buy all your designer, designer.”

Ye! See this no taste asewo questioning my ability to keep myself on point.

“Excuse me?!”

“Nothing. I beg girls lets go.”

“No really, if you have something to say then by all means let’s hear it.”

“I said nothing. Sorry o.”

It better be nothing…. Jezebel from Isale Eko. Shio.

See this thing. So that’s what she’s been thinking all this time? That I had myself a Sugar Daddy funding my fashion addiction. She doesn’t know anything. If I had Sugar Daddy believe me she would know because I would have a different handbag for everyday of the year and a personal slave to carry them around for me so I don't strain myself.

No wonder Alhaji has no qualms about trying to hook up with random women because there are obviously quiet a lot of random women looking to hook up with his married ass. You know what? Maybe I will give Bad Weave his number. By the time she’s fleeced him dry and sent him home to his wife with some funky STD (Sorry but someone that skanky has got to have something), he might just change his evil ways.

I remember reading an article the other day about some woman who was suing her husband’s mistress for breaking up their marriage. A whole bunch of other women were up in arms about why do women always blame the other woman and not their husbands in this situation? You know what? I agree with the wife because fundamentally we all know guys ain’t very bright (Sorry fellas, but the truth hurts). They spend their lives following their fun sticks around and giving in to little impulses that usually come back to bite them and us in the ass. I’m not saying they get a free get out of jail card but at least they have the excuse of being daft (Just making a point).The home wrecker on the other hand has no such excuse.

She’s a woman just like you. She's got the same fears, needs and aspirations when it comes to men. She's probably been cheated on at some point in her life too, so she knows how it feels. Yet she has somehow managed to convince herself that it’s not her fault. They were in love before they found out about you. That they don’t know you and that you’re obviously a bad wife, and those are the ones that even have some sort of conscience. The others, like Bad Weave, just  don’t care.You could have been voted best iyawo on the planet, 5 consecutive years in a row, live in the apartment right next door and even loaned her skanky ass money to get a Peruvian lace front wig. Does she care? Hell no!  She just wants what you’ve got and see's no reason to go through the stress of finding her own. So, when a woman knows a man is married and still decides to give him what he ain’t supposed to be getting; well then, I say sue the biatch for all she’s worth cause karma always gets you in the end.


pamelastitch said...

this is good.....:)

Nutty J. said...

Karma always takes care of the husband snatchers...and any woman who wants to sue them shouldnt think twice about it...

The men are also dumb asses...being 'daft' or 'un-bright' isnt isnt a disability. They should be responsible

histreasure said...

Oh mehn are certainy responsible, their touted 'dumbness' not being an excuse..
interestingly, i have noticed that those women that actually, knowingly, sink their claws into another woman's man are the ones whose men will not move an inch..still, karma know how to work its magic, i guess

Toxbunny said...

If i should begin to send epe to all the women who talk like this mena, we will be here all are, as ever too funny - 'mystically downloading me BB contacts'??? you have been Nigerianized now for sure - pure Nollywood!!!