I’m in the office playing mind games on Rat Boy.
Ah ah! You never forgive this boy Mena?
Please o! No one should come and change my parade(Lynxxx management! Pay me for the subtly placed marketing of your song). I don’t come over to your office to tell you how to deal with your pain in the backside work colleagues, now do I?
En hen. No need to continue. Leave me in peace to get my kicks where I can.
As I was saying, I have realized that if you put too many big words in a sentence when you’re talking to him, his brain kind of short circuits. You can just see the little hamster he’s got up there is peddling for dear life, trying to get a grasp of what you are saying.
I just said to him...
“Please can you dispensate with all the irrelevant data on your report and focus on giving a more concise overview of the current financial infrastructure of the bank in relation to our proposed business solution?”
His response to that being
If I was in a good mood with him I would just have said
“This report is too long. Keep it simple. Just need to know if the client can afford us.”
In a very, very good mood I would simply have said
“Oga, I beg! Who you wan kill with story? Your bank get money to buy or make we waka?”
Alas! I am no way in a good mood. I'm hung over, pissed off and I feel dirty.
I had a dream about Ladies Man. He was in my bedroom, naked and there was smooching involved(Yuck…pass the sick bucket).
Na lie! Has it reached that stage Mena? We need to find you a man fast.
Luckily, I refrained from any further dodgy activities when I realized my “Tiny Willy” radar had not deceived me in real life. If Ladies Man was rich there would be a whole lot of big, fast cars in his life to compensate for mother nature's stinginess in that department. Probably why he's always adjusting his trousers...making sure what little he's got is still there.
Anyway, less time dissing, more time looking for relevant bible verses to deflect any dream world marriages or getting busy sessions. My mother must not hear of this or I’ll be up some mountain in Kwara State for 40 days and nights, eating grass in order to deflect the evil forces.
I’m keeping an eye on him today to make sure he doesn’t have a self-satisfied grin on his face. Nope! He looks pretty stressed by work and has barely spoken all day. He’s either innocent of trying to dream lampash me or he’s depressed by the fact that I now know he’s not all man, like he pretends to be.
Anyway this is probably a sign from God on who I’m going to end up with if I don’t stop sinning by lusting after inappropriate “I am entitled to marry more than 1 wife” hotties. But its not my fault Lord. They just wont leave me alone. Everywhere I go there is always some “No go” guy trying to hit on me. Take yesterday for instance.
Grumpy came to my desk the other day and told me we had a client from Madrid coming over to meet some of our business partners and it had been decided that I should take charge of the activities during his stay.
What blinking activities? I’m exhausted from all my local jet setting and now they want me to play nursemaid to some pot bellied Spanish man? Doesn’t anyone else get nominated to do anything in this office??
But imagine my surprise when, come yesterday morning, in walks the hottest, fittest, tallest, dreamiest hunk of Oyinboness I have ever seen. Ask anyone that knows me, I’m not usually into oyinbo guys. Nothing personal , just never met one that rocked my boat. But this Adonis was different. Turns out he’s actually British but works from the firms Madrid office. So we had a lot in common. The conversation flowed. Lots of laughing and arm touching. By closing time he was asking if I wanted to go out for a drink?
Why the hell not? I think. I like him. He likes me. It's just a little drink
With a client?!
Clients need love too.
I pirry u.
Pirry away razzo. How do you know it's not my destiny to be Mrs.Oyinbo and move my fine, sophisticated self to Madrid? En? Enemy of progress.
So at the hotel bar…
Na even HOTEL bar you go? No other bar near your office where you don’t have a bed within tripping distance abi?
You are so untrusting. Like I’m going to sleep with him after just one drink. It would require at least 2 for me to lose all my inhibitions.
Na u dey invent AA for … Alcoholic Ashawo
You’re just jealous. I beg leave me to drink my 'Sex on the beach" in peace
You are even ordering suggestive cocktails? Well done. You will explain yourself at the office tomorrow.
Several cocktails later (Drowning my sorrows over our eviction from the World Cup), we get on to the topic of relationships. He tells me he split from his partner a couple of months ago and he felt he was ready for a new relationship.
Kerching! I think Mena has finally hit the jackpot.
"Really? That’s interesting."
"I was wondering what you feel about maybe getting to know each other better?"
"I’d like that."
I wonder, should I go for Ellie Saab or Valentino for the wedding dress?
"The distance won’t be too much of an issue will it? Gary, my ex couldn’t stand being apart for so long. Probably part of the reason why we broke up."
Nah! I think Ellie would work better with my….back up. Gary…nope cant think of any girl names that can be shortened to Gary.
“Gary? Isn't that a guys name?”
“Oh yeah! “
Look at your mouth like "Oh yeah!" Will you come on explain yourself before I have to use my "Sex on the beach" as a weapon
"Oh! I'm a little confused."
He laughs and I slowly begin to remove my shoe. A couple of hard whacks on the head should put a stop to his inane giggling and get me an explanation.
"Sorry. I should have explained. I don’t believe in the conventional relationship set up that’s been shoved down our throats for centuries. I think if you like someone…male or female, you should just go with your feelings and see where it takes you."
"I guess if you wanted to put a label on me, I’m what you would call bisexual."
"Wow listen to that thunder! It's really gonna rain tonight."
That’s not rain. That’s the Lord coming to smite me for never listening to that little voice in my head that's always yelling "Mena don't do it!"
How do I get myself into these situations?
Married and didn't know...I handled it.
Not same religion...I handled it.
I like boys AND girls...There's not enough prayer and fasting in the world to handle this. Its time to call a red cab.