Darn it! I dropped a peanut down my top. I would reach in and get it but I’m in a meeting and not just any old meeting either. I’m in Gambia (More on that later) for a major contract meeting and I need to be on my best behavior. No classic Mena F up’s today. But this darn peanut is making me uncomfortable. Which probably brings you to the question why I’m eating peanuts in my meeting in the first place?
Well I was hungry. Missed the buffet breakfast at the hotel because I was assaulted in my hotel room.
Assaulted you say?
There I was minding me own business, going about my early morning routine
This is how brush my teeth
Brush my teeth, brush my teeth.
This is how I my brush my tee...
Mena don’t look now but we are not alone.
Watcha talking about Brain?
Look over there. In the corner
Sure enough, sitting in the corner, looking right at me was a ginormous rodent (OK maybe it was a mouse but that’s beside the point). It wasn’t no friendly looking Tom & Jerry mouse either. This one had a deranged look in its eye and it was eyeing me up like all its Christmases had come at once. I knew what it was thinking…
Darn men! Look at all the meat on her. If I bring her down Mrs. Mouse we’ll definitely be giving me some darn good whisker loving tonight. Not to mention the fact that we’ll be feasting till we have great, great,grand kids. Quick nibble at her Achilles heel and she’ll be down like timber.
Brain looks like he’s homing in for the kill. Work with me here.
We’re going to slowly reach for the towel, throw it over the mouse, then put the bin on top of it to trap it and then we’ll get someone to get rid of it humanely for us. OK?
Screw that! I say scream and run. You've been in the UK too long. You're an African damn it. U no dey watch horror movie? Why do you think Nollywood hasn’t started making them yet? It’s because they know Africans don’t do that “Let's see what’s making that scary noise. Oh it’s a demonic rat from the pits of hell. Wonder what it wants?” It wants to kill you stupid person and you deserve to be gnawed to death by its little ratty teeth if you don’t get the hell out of here right now.
There’s something not quite right with you Brain. OK, maybe I'll just call down to the porter and get him to sort it out. He's been looking for an excuse to come into my room since I got here anyway. Maybe he's one of those gigolo's everyone keeps going on about.
Damn! Too late its making a move. He's got me cornered and I cant get to the door.
Noooooooooooooo!!!! I’m trapped. Eeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk(that’s me screaming not the mouse. Please note the lady like delivery.)
Now you are screaming abi?! NOW YOU ARE SCREAMING! Just like all those crazy oyinbo's that won't run and scream when they see Johnny their boyfriend, who they wore aso ebi to bury last week, in their bathroom. Instead they"ll be asking "Johnny is that you?" Ode run. No be Johnny. Na im zombie twin brother. Its only when Johnny starts eating them alive that they start screaming. Next time you will listen to me. You are on your own. I'm shutting down.
Don't you dare brain. Move my damn legs now.
I jump into the bath tub and continue screaming. The mouse is trying to clamber into the bathtub. I don’t friggin believe this? What hell is wrong with the cockroaches and rats in this continent? Don’t they know their place? They’re supposed to run away from me not mount planned military attacks on my person. Sod this! I’m not going to be trapped in a 3* hotel bath tub for eternity because of razzo Mickey Mouse here. I grab the shower attachment and spray ratty with a good dose of hot water. That should get rid of it.
It definitely stops him in his tracks…for about 2 seconds. Then he shakes him self of like a tiny devil dog (Does anyone remember that movie? Just me? Darn movie snobs) and just stares at me like…
Yeeee!!!! See this girl that I was even taking it easy with. Today na today. Mrs. Ekute must chop meat.
He then resumes his frantic clambering up the side of the bath and I resume my screaming. The next thing the hotel porter comes crashing into the bathroom waving a big stick around, almost taking my eye out.
Why is everyone determined to maim before my future boo arrives? I notice he stops to give me the once over, registering his disappointment at my not being naked and covered in soap suds with a hiss before reluctantly looking around for the source of my discomfort.
Devil rat, realizing it’s now outnumbered gives me an “I’ll get you later look” and attempts to clamber back into the hole it came from. Too late though, a rather sturdy boot comes crashing down on it and so ends the life of ratty.
Anyway after my traumatic ordeal, by the time I’m ready and downstairs, Grumpy and Weird IT guy from our Pakistan office, who introduced himself to me by saying “My you’re beautiful like binary numbers”, were already pacing up and down the lobby. So no breakfast for moi. Which brought me to the moment when, my brain having shut down after 10 minutes of Grumpy’s monotonous voice, I happened to be exploring the pockets of my jacket(Vivienne Westwood…don’t hate a sister cause she fly)when I came across a lone peanut.
"Hello" it said
"Would you like to crack me open and eat my nutty goodness?"
"Well yes I would" I replied.
"Thank you for asking"
"Well you can crack me quietly under the table, palm me and then just pretend to cough and pop me in."
"My, my, you’re a very clever peanut and it’s almost a shame to eat you."
"It is my sole purpose in life to be eaten and I must say it would be an honor to be eaten by one as lovely as you."
"Oh Peanut stop. You’re so charmi…"
STOP IT!! YOU’RE TALKING TO A BLOODY PEANUT. JUST EAT THE DAMN THING!
Don’t shout at me brain. I’ll eat it when I’m good and ready.
So there I was, having successful cracked the shell and retrieved my nutty treat, I attempted to cough and drop but missed. Dropping it down my top and into my bra, where it was now poking me.
Just wait till the end of the meeting Mena. It’s only a peanut so don’t do anything stupid.
What do you mean by that Brain? I resent that statement. I never do anything stupid.
I know I’ll just drop my pen under the table and when I go down to retrieve it; I’ll have a quick rummage in my boulder holder and fish out the offending nut. Wala! Problem solved.
Please don’t do it. Just wait. I just know somethings going to go wrong.
Ah Brain! O' ye of little faith. What could possibly go wrong? See already dropped the pen under the table and now just bend and…