I’m going out tonight
I’m gonna look so fine
I’m gonna catch a man
And then I’ll make him mine
But if he doesn’t gree then I will have to say
'Ori e Fokasibe, Fokasibe ,Fokasibe
La la la
La la la la …
Stop gyrating around the photocopy machine crazy woman. People are starting to look at us.
Whatever Brain. Let em look.
In a good mood today and I don’t care who knows. Anyway Ladies Man seems to be enjoying my hip swinging actions. He been staring at me and adjusting his tie for the past 3 minutes now. Poor things going to choke himself with it if he’s not careful.
Finally! I get to go somewhere other than the Palms and Pack & Shop( I go to the latter to watch DSTV for free in the electronics department when I forget to pay my bill) for entertainment. Can’t wait. Already have my sessy lil number planned and I even came to work make up free to ensure that my skin is extra radiant tonight seeing as its had all day to breathe.
All the “Mena, person die?" Or "Are you sick?” queries from the office crazies will be well worth it when I look extra hot tonight. Just in case you were wondering, which I know you are seeing as your middle name is gbeborun, I’m off to see Keziah Jones at Terrakulture tonight. An evening with like minded, stylish people, listening to some bad ass music. Bliss!
Now please. Don’t you all buy tickets hoping to run into me. Tonight’s about Keziah not Mena. But if you insist that you must spend your N5,000 then just e-mail me when you get to the car park and I will happily come out to collect your money for a 1 minute adoring stare at my person. No cheques slackers! Cashola only please.
I’m even more excited because I didn’t have to buy my own ticket(nothing like free entertainment to make a girl happy). It was all courtesy of Annoying Married Chick and her hubby Market Boy(Who has requested that I call him something cool. Not sure that’s gonna be possible but I’m taking suggestions). Before you all start ohhing and ahhing about how sweet they are, it’s their punishment for getting me in trouble with my Mum and ruining my weekend.
Was sitting at home organizing my shoes by designer and heel height (it’s not a sad thing to do!), when they turned up under the guise of coming to visit. I know they were just hungry and looking for food as usual but I played along with their charade by abandoning my shoes and joining them and mother downstairs. Anyway it’s kinda good they are here. I can get them to look over my date outfit. Make sure my "Mena" style won’t be too much for the poor fella. Just have to wait till mother gets bored with us and leaves for her weekend visiting marathon.
God forbid she should hear the word date and my name mentioned anywhere in this house. Any plans I might have of actually having any fun tomorrow will be over. She will insist on being involved in everything from make up to good night kiss techniques.
I send my sis a bb...
Mena: You guys don’t leave with Mum. Got a date and need u to check out my outfit. DON’T SAY ANYTHING UNTIL MUM IS OUT OF THE GATE.
Annoying Married Chick: U have a date?????
Why is this surprising to her? Something do me? Abi? Why I no fit get date?
Mena: Yes. Problem missy?
Annoying Married Chick: Shouldn’t u have plucked your eyebrows then?
Eyebrows? What’s she talking about? They are perfect. Doesn’t she know bushy is in? Style reject.
Phew! Mums leaving... Cool.
I run to the window and watch her get into the car. Come on Tony, get her out of here.
Annoying Married Chick starts to say something but I shush her.
Yes! They are finally moving.
Annoying Married Chick tries to start talking again and I tell her to shut it. Doesn’t she understand that nothing must be said until the “One who cannot be disobeyed” is totally off the premises. Almost there…
"Are you crazy? Stop shushing me. Are you going to tell me about this blinkin' date of yours or not?"
OK! Don’t panic. The cars practically out of the gate, there’s no way in hell she heard that.
Hehe...You wrong Kwezy Lady.
Sure enough... I am. The car comes to a screeching halt, reverses back in, whilst doing a 3 point Starsky and Hutch style turn and deposits my mother back at the main entrance. She’s already getting out of the car before it even stops and is legging it back into the building. Yep! That ol' lady sure can run.
She bursts into the living room out of breath and eyes me and my sister
My sister and I look at each other and I know what she’s thinking because it’s the same thing I’m thinking.
HOW THE HELL DOES SHE DO THAT? Was she blessed with supersonic hearing or does she have the house bugged? Nothing ever remains a secret from my mother.
"Answer me jare before I remove my slippers. Who has a date?"
“I’m married mummy. It can’t be me. Speaking of which, Market Boy remember that thing we have to do at the thing? Think it's time to go.”
“Ok, it can’t be you. You’re married” she says disregarding my sister, as she and Market Boy leg it out of there, and focusing her attention on me.
Thanks a lot Annoying Married Chick. You go meet me for front.
“Its you abi Mena?”
No duh?! Got any other daughters in Nigeria I should know about?
“You have a date and you didn’t tell me?”
Needless to say it all went down hill from there. She dragged me round beauty parlors all day. Making me wax things that should never be waxed(Ouch). Insisting my hair wasn’t fluffy enough and my eyebrows weren’t thin enough until I looked like Zsa Zsa Gabor on crack. By the time she was done with me I don’t think even Stevie Wonder would agree to date me let alone someone with all 5 senses working at optimum level. And don’t even get me started on the prayer and fasting regime she’s got me on when the whole thing fell through. If I never see another piece of white food again it will be too soon.
So really, the ticket from Annoying Married Chick is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to making it up to me.