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Thursday, July 08, 2010

Is that the sound of my standards dropping?

Na lie! Today is the day I never thought I would see. Upon all my hotness…Bad Weave get boyfriend before me. I no longer want to live in a world where this is possible. Brain shut down all vital organs now and let us leave this cruel, cruel world.


You and who? You are on your own o. I’m not leaving any world until I experience big girl living and lampashing that makes our toes curl.

See you? Why are you so cheap?

Dey ask me.

It's not your fault. Anyway, he came to see her in the office today and whilst he ain’t bad looking, the pointy alligator shoes and the inability to complete a sentence without saying “Sho mo?” was like a soothing balm to my pain. It makes sense that razzos would attract razzo’s. I mean look at her today.

Where the hell did she get that shirt? I think I can actually see my face in its highly reflective surface. Who knew kitchen foil fabrics were the next big thing in fashion? And those jeans??!!!! Didn’t she get the fashion memo? Stone wash don die now. I beg let it rest in peace and stop trying to resurrect it. Bad Weave girl…I salute you! You have once again managed to turn dress down Thursdays into a day of thanksgiving, that I was one of the first people on the queue the day the good Lord was dishing out styyylllleee.

I can see you eyeing my cute black French connection playsuit and Miss Sixty flip flops. Pele! It must be hard not being me. Actually maybe being me is not so great anymore. I mean if she can nab a man in her the “The blind must see clothing” and dodgy hair. What's the point of being fabulous when all I seem to attract are horny pervs? BOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Thank God tomorrow is Friday. Almost at the end of a truly torturous week. I can go home and soothe my pain with ice cream and cheap alcohol. I know a lot of you are muttering under your breath about my lack of posts during the week and all I can say to your valid complaints is “Kiss my heiny! Kiss it! Kiss it! Kiss it!”

Mena!!!

What?! I’m in pain jo and I have told you that I am a free and exotic spirit and will no longer let your boring, socially acceptable constraints hold me back. Allow me to be free o. If I want to insult members of the general reading public just leave me to express myself.

OK then. Knock yourself out exotic one.

Hmm.. I like that...Exotic one. That’s it!  From now one I shall no longer be known as Mena. You shall all call me "The Exotic One”.

OK Exotic. Heads up! The Human Boli approaches

Are you crazy? Can't you follow a simple instruction? I said “The Exotic One” not “Exotic”. That just sounds like a filthy go go bar.

What does this one want now?

Boli Lover, who has just returned from his banishment in Ivory Coast after a failed sales negotiation, plants his polyester /nylon mix covered behind on my desk and cracks a “One day u go gree” smile at me.

I match his “You go gree” with a “Not in this or any other lifetime mate” smile and finish him off with a “You need to respect yourself “ gaze. Joker! He’s only been back 1 day and he’s already started harassing me with his dry convo.

“So fine girl! Wetin dey now? “

“Nuthin”

“ I've really missed you girl"

Ewww...Down boy.

"You’re looking so  good today." He says, he's eyes resting too long on my assets for my liking.

Agbaya! Gbe oju re so oke.

 "In fact, I'm sure  you must have found some guy that’s really taking care of you?”

Story. Is this his way of trying to find out if I hooked up with someone whilst he was away? Like I'm going to fall for that. Keep guessing mate.

You have to admire his persistence though. If getting girls was based on effort he wouldn’t be able to leave his house with the women camped outside his door. Alas! Its based on hot looks, witty repertoire and the ability to buy me dinner somewhere where all the food isn’t displayed in a heated buffet rack.

But after this latest development with Bad Weave and my ongoing “NORMAL”man drought, maybe I should stop fighting him and just succumb to a life of sequined, see through lace iro and buba’s and children that say “Maami! Hunger dey wire me.”

Mena what are you saying? Snap out of  your self pitying state immediately. We have never and will never stoop that low. For Gods sake look at the man. He can barely button his shirt over his enormous stomach and he’s got bigger boobs than you.

Yes but…

No buts. We have waited this long and we shall continue to wait until the right one comes along.

But Bad Weave…

Forget her. The guy probably sings Fuji whilst lampashing her. Is that what you want?

No but…

A Fuji singing lampsher who wants you to wear stone wash clothing?

No

Cause if that’s what you want,I can make it happen

I said Noooo Brain!!!

Good. Now pull yourself together.

Sniff…Fine! But its not fair. Why do all men just want to sleep with me?

I know I'm hot and my assets walk into the room before I do but still. There is more to me than 100% Brazilian hair (no mangy Bar beach horse hair mixed into this weave. Mena’s coming up in the world), sexy dresses and a face that lights up the room. I'm intelligent, funny, make my own money, can be caring when I'm in the mood, can cook and I can even contort my ample frame into interesting bendy shapes. Really if that ain't wife material I don’t know what is? And yet all I get are pervs. I need reassurance that I'm more than just hot.

I call my mate Loony Dude

“Hey Loony! Would you marry me if we weren’t friends?”

“Nope. Not in a million years.”

"You seem pretty sure about that?Why?”

“You know you craze now? I no fit put craze woman for house. My mama no go gree. “


“Be serious jare. Why do guys just want to shag me?”


“Cause that’s what guys do and anyway you’re way too sexual. You’re always hair tossing, giggling, giving seductive “take me now “ looks.


“E mi ? Never!”

“Oh you do Missy. You might not know you’re doing it but I doubt that. So within the first 5 minutes of meeting you all the guy is thinking of is where’s the nearest closet so I can have my evil way with her.


“That’s so not fair. Yes I might be a little flirtatious when I see someone I like but who isn’t?”


“You see its just not with people you like. You do it with everyone, that’s why the entire male staff of Shoprite are always trying to look down your dress.

"So what are you saying? Men don't like flirty women?"

"Oh we like em. We just dont marry them. Ciao"

Really??? Can it be so? Is this "Normal" man drought my doing? Am I driving them away with an overabundance of sexy pheremones? But I can't help it if I ooze sex appeal.

Sod Loony Dude. What the hell does he know?

I’ll call my sis. She’ll be honest.

"Sis am I a flirt?"

"How the hell would I know? Look don’t put me under pressure with your questions. I'm busy. Market Boy caught me wearing matching underwear today and wahala don happen. He is demanding I take casual leave at once and return home to show him what his bride price money paid for."

"Okkkk. Don’t you usually wear matching underwear or why the drama?"

"What for? You want to kill me? Look at the trouble they have caused already. That's why they only come out on special occasions. Look go away and don’t koba me. He’s threatening to call mum and tell her I'm depriving him of his rights and you know what mums like when it comes to to stuff like that."

Click

One of these days…

Maybe I should ask Mum. She claims to be an authority on all things Man  catching related.

"Mummy somebody called me a flirt. Do you think its true?"

"You? Are they blind? You with your “Sun no fit touch my body” clothing and 8 inch Brazilian hair. I beg let me hear word. Sometimes I wonder if you are really my daughter? When I was your age I didn’t even have enough days to date all the men that wanted me but look at you. Monday to Sunday you are at home burning my diesel and eating my food.. You better go and see how your mates are doing it and stop wasting time. Anyway your father and I have decided that if you don’t bring anyone home before the end of the year we are spending your wedding money on a round the world cruise. A word is enough for the wise.


My own fantasy dream wedding money on a holiday?

Ko le sele.

I beg Boli Lover come, make we talk better thing. A little dieting, some new clothes and we might yet turn you into marriage material.

7 comments:

Jaycee said...

Despite the length, I always have to keep reading cos it's TOO HILARIOUS w/ you. Lol. Weave girl ain't got nothing on you na. Lol.

I think the end cracked me up the most, "I beg Boli Lover come, make we talk better thing. A little dieting, some new clothes and we might yet turn you into marriage material."

Anonymous said...

"Story. Is this his way of trying to find out if I hooked up with someone whilst he was away? Like I'm going to fall for that. Keep guessing mate."

Mena...you are so.... Saw ur blog yesterday and its practically like a book to me!

The experiences of an achiever....... said...

The exotic one!! i hail thee o!! me I just want to be invited to the wedding! Shikena..maybe I can meet razz cousin there er? ha ha..missed ur posts madam.

Sisi Yemmie ™ said...

Lol...hIlarious!

histreasure said...

as usual, Mena..u no go kill pesin..and that ur mom, eh..lmho.

oluSimeon said...

the exotic one...
absolutely hilarious..... with some food for thought embedded ..wiating's not fun..
the end was something .lol..

Nutty J. said...

bruhahahaha...

Dont worry....you go marry.

dayyyyyyyun!! I've missed reading ur blog....