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Monday, July 19, 2010

OK! Nobody panic but...

Oh my God! Is that a blinkin' spot on my cheek?

I’ve had perfect skin for the whole year and then today of all days, this! As if that wasn't bad enough, I have nothing to wear!! Despite the 7 large suitcases I bribed customs to allow into the country, my wardrobe is a veritable desert of style. Damn! My shrinking waistline. Who said losing weight would make me even more stylish? They lied dammit! Or at least they should have mentioned the bank I would have to rob to replace my previous designer laden wardrobe. What am I going to do? I have a date and nothing to wear.

Did you say date? I thought you said you were just meeting up with a friend? Ah ah! No wonder you haven’t eaten solid food in three days and you almost peeled off the top layer of your skin in the name of salt scrubbing. Ashawo!

Whatever Brain. This is why I don’t always think true thoughts because I know you’ll be all up in my face about boring things like morals, logic and the way normal people behave. Yes! I’m going on a date. Yes!He’s just a friend and yes it’s too late to talk me out of it.

Se bi we are going together? No probs. You better start praying I don’t decide to make your left eyelid start twitching uncontrollably halfway through dinner. Let’s see how hot your so called "Friend" will think you are when he assumes you have a mental condition.

You wouldn’t?

Try me. So which one of your so called friends are we meeting up with?

Well remember BB Boy? The guy  my mate Speedy Gonzales tried to hook me up with?  He finally crawled out of the woodwork a couple of months ago, very contrite about the whole standing up issue. So unlike me, but I forgave him but decided never to agree to meet up with him again. At least that was the plan.

Which kin forgiveness is that one? Do you own a different version of the Bible from everybody else?

Whatever! Anyway we started bbing and turns out  he’s like the male version of me! So how could I resist when he asked me out again?

Male version of you? Craze + Craze? Lord help us! Se you know I can’t allow such a union to occur for the sake of the entire universe? Can you imagine what would happen if you had kids?

Uuuhhh! Lil’ Mena & BB babies. Yum. Anyway, we got on really well and darn is he hot but unfortunately, as is always the case with my crappy love life, there was just one little snag...

He’s gay? Sane? A cross dresser? Mummy’s boy?

Nope! He’s not Christian!!!

So mentally I’ve been trying to convince myself not to get all dewy eyed and lustful over him seeing as we can only ever be friends. In the good ol' days when I did not fear the wrath of the Lord, I would just have had my evil way with him and dumped him the minute I spotted someone who was more marriage material. Alas! I am now a changed woman and he will never get to play naughty schoolboy and saucy miss with moi. Kinda makes me wonder why I’m bothering to wear matching La Perla underwear?

Because once an ashawo always an ashawo. I’m sure by the end of dinner you will have convinced yourself that you’re going back to his place to pray for his conversion to Christianity and that sleeping with him is your own sacrifice towards building a greater Christian army abi?


See ya life?

Look Brain I don’t have time for this. He’ll be here in 30 minutes and I’m still in my underwear.

You might as well go like that and save the poor boy the money he will spend on dinner, seeing as the only thing you want won’t be on the restaurant menu.

Ignoring you now. I am a strong Christian woman and will not be led astray by hotness, a naughty sense of humor and witty banter. I can do this.

Ye! I can’t do this o!

My own don finish. He’s turned up to pick me up and before I even see him… I see the car. Now I know what guys mean when they say they’ve got a ha.. on for a car. Guess what he came to pick me up in?

My Porchy Baby!!!!

Brain! Its like devil’s saying “See what you get if you allow naughty Mena to come out and play?”

We no go let her come out like this?

Hey! Brain stop making my eyelids twitch!

Fine! No naughty miss.

It took every ounce of self control to stop myself from running to the car, putting my head on its bonnet and stroking its lovely grey metallic finish. Instead I walked over, got in and was faced with the next temptation of the evening…Hot BB Guy.

Hot car +Hot guy + Mena who hasn’t had either in a while = Straight to hell and a very lucky BB boy.

All through out the evening I kept having to tell myself not to get all sex kitten on the poor guy. Just friends. No accidental touching, lips brushing ears whilst whispering in the cinema (Don’t mess with me o. I’m a pro.) or come hither gazes. Well at least I won’t be doing that but if he feels led to then who am I to stop him.

On the way home, mine not his before you all start shouting, he cracks a joke about being a gentleman and taking me straight home rather than to his place and maybe it was the sugar rush from all that popcorn, the uncomfortable thong that nobody but me was going to appreciate or the endless months in the snogless desert, but something in me just snapped and I said...

"I know enough gentlemen, why don’t you try being something different?"

Ennnnnn! Ashawo with first class honours! How did you manage to get that sentence past my ashawo defence system?

He looks at me.

I look at him

Porchy Baby looks at both of us, quietly screaming “Don’t you dare get busy on my Italian leather interior!!!” and ….


Timlou_x said...

I do believe this calls for a mini-celebration! Actual lampashing, and for the first time on this blog, it would appear! Break out the bubbly! ^_^

The experiences of an achiever....... said...

No Mena! don't do it!! you are stronger than your left twitching eye and the raging drives!!! Lol! Plus the iya of ibi ise is totally going to smell the sex on you when you get home.....kai...I smell trouble!!