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Friday, July 09, 2010

In the beginning...

On many occasions people have asked me…

Exotic One (You thought I would forget my new chosen name abi?) why can’t you be nice and rational like other people?

Normally I would respond with a well aimed Waka or if I am within arse kicking distance… Haya! Who is not nice and rational? Take that and that!

Well, today I am in a good mood so I will tell you why I am like this but in order to delve deep into The Exotic One’s psyche we must start at the beginning….

Once upon a time (That’s my personal biographer. All the bigz girlz have one), many years ago...

“Hey! Dey send you come? Easy on the "Many" mate. Don’t want people thinking I am already claiming my pension.”

Sorry. Let’s begin again.

Once upon a time, not too many years ago, there lived a very handsome Policeman and a beautiful Dental Hygienist. The Policeman was very much in love with The Dental Hygienist but knew she came from a strict Muslim family and would never entertain the idea of marrying a Christian. So he hid his feelings and spent his days having unnecessary dental work done just so he could be near her. During a rather painful tooth extraction(totally unnecessary but worth every ounce of pain as he could just about see the top of her boobs every time she bent over), The policeman, high on morphine, finally declared his undying love and proposed to The Dental Hygienist, who was so shocked, she pulled out the wrong tooth.

The Dental Hygienist, who had always had a secret crush on The Policeman, was thrilled to bits that he felt the same way. Having just broken up with her steady boyfriend, Mechanic by day, Palm wine tapper by night Guy, she had been feeling a tad despondent about her future marriage prospects. All her other friends were married and she was starting to panic over when she was going to meet someone else.

But as the say, “The Lord works in mysterious ways”. To think her future husband had been coming here all this time to get his teeth whitened and he was such a catch too. A policeman, which meant he got a pretty decent, regular pay packet (This was in the good ol' days people. When the law and a uniform  meant something dammit!) and he drove a Mercedes (Sadly The Dental Hygienist was a tad too much of a romantic/gold digger and neglected to focus on more important aspects like personality etc). God, her friend Lara would just die of envy. To think she had been jealous of her and her husbands Suzuki motorcycle. Well, let’s see who’ll be green with envy now. There was only one problem standing in the way of The Dental Hygienists dream…her parents.

I believe you may be starting to see some similarities now.

The Dental Hygienist came from a strict Muslim home and had been brought up to always believe she would marry a Muslim. She was a very dutiful daughter and would usually never do anything to upset her parents but on this occasion she decided to be brave and tell them of The Policeman’s marriage proposal and how she wanted to accept it. Several hot slaps and “Over my dead bodies” later. The Dental Hygienist lay sobbing on her bed wondering why her parents hated her and if she would ever be happy again. The thought of Lara never being green with envy and how she might have to take back her cheating palm wine tapping boyfriend just so she could get married and leave home, was too much for her to bear and she contemplated topping herself. Then a little voice in her head said

You do know you don’t have to do everything your parents tell you

“Yes I do”

Well have a happy life washing Mechanic by Day,Palm Wine Tapper by nights, oil stained overalls then.

“Oh God! I can’t but they would never forgive me if I went behind their backs”

They’re your parents. They will forgive you and even if they don’t, you get to ride around in a Mercedes. All your friends will hate you. They’ll say they are happy for you but deep down they’ll hate you for being so lucky.

“It does have leather seats and a cassette player” (Ah! The simple days. Me I ain’t greeing for anyone that doesn’t have state of the art CD/TV & Blu Ray player in their car o. I don talk my own)

Now that’s what I’m talking about. Now you’re thinking like a grown up. What the hell are you waiting for? Your key word for today is “Elopement”.

So having convinced herself that her parents would one day forgive her. The Dental Hygienist packed a little bag and snuck out of her house that night and into the arms of The Policeman. They were married at the Registry office the very next day. (You have to give my Mama props sha. Damn! The girl is fast)

On hearing the disastrous news that his oldest daughter had given herself to an infidel without even so much as a bottle of Schnapps in bride price, Alhaji Dental Hygienist, sharpened his trusty cutlass and set off to seek vengeance. No one was going to stop him from cutting of The Policeman’s head even if it meant spending the rest of eternity in jail. As far as he was concerned jail might not even be such a bad idea if it got him away from Alhaja Dental Hygienist’s constant nagging about money, food etc. Come to think of it. Now that The Dental Hygienist was married, she would have to look after her aging parents. She had said something about him being in the police force and he knew they got paid well, not to mention the fact that it wouldn’t hurt to have some police muscle within the family to make sure no one was rude to him again (Alhaji Dental Hygienist was a very short man often referred to as Baba Kukuru and Half measure which peed him the hell off).

As Alhaji Dental Hygienists little brain kept whirring, he’s steps got slower. Until he was standing by the side of the road grinning to himself about how he could turn his silly daughters treachery into his good fortune. Afterall, it was better to have a daughter married to a rich heathen that could put people in jail than a cheating Palm wine tapper. Several cartons of Schnapps later and an oath from The Policeman that he would convert to Islam(Which he obviously never did. Men! They will tell you the sky is orange if it gets them into your knicker), the Alhaji welcomed him to into the family and promptly sent him to arrest his neighbour for calling him "Alhaji Kunkulu".

The Policeman and The Dental Hygienist went on to do great things. They moved to Lagos with their little family but our real story begins ladies and gentleman on the 7th day of January 197….

Hey! Hey! Hey! What did I tell you about dates relating to my age?

Sorry Exotic One. It won’t happen again.

Darn skippy it won’t happen again. You’re fired. I’ll tell my own darn story. If you want something done right, then do it yourself. Let’s see, where were we? Blah blah blah…Yeah right, so ladies and gentlemen our real story begins on the 7th of January 19 none of your beeswax, when The Policeman & The Dental Hygienist gave birth to a little princess and called her Mena.

Obviously they had other children at this stage but they were all inconsequential as far as their little princess, Mena was concerned. Born with lovely smooth caramel complexion and a gummy smile that could melt any heart, Mena was the apple of her parent’s eye.

Mena got only the best. Whilst her other older siblings were raised on pap and cerelac, She was only given the finest imported baby food. Whilst they pushed rusty tires down the streets, Mena played with her baby Lego and silver My Little Pony rattle. Whilst they others fought over the mangy family pet, Bingo the dog. Mena had her own  little pony called “Esin mi Trixibelle (My horse Trixibelle)”. Yep! Mena had it good. She didn’t want for anything and had her parent’s undivided attention

So when did it all start to go wrong you wonder?

Yes Mummy & Daddy dearest. When did it all start to go wrong for the apple of your eye? Could it be 13 months later when someone forgot to read their family planning leaflet and bam, bam…Two more members of the clan. The moment I saw those 2 little bawling faces in the hospital I realized that the life I deserved wasn’t going to happen. These 2 interlopers were sent to pour sand sand in my garri.

So what happened next Me...We mean Exotic One?

God save you.

Well you will have to wait until my autobiography is published and pay N100, 000 pere for a copy.

Jokers! You all think you are smart abi? You want hear better gist for free? Shio…Wait for me I am coming.


The experiences of an achiever....... said...

Mena!!! sorry I meant Exotic one..I don't like this dangling spoon move! hmph!

The experiences of an achiever....... said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
histreasure said...

hahaha..let ur mom catch ya eh, that 'exoticness' will just 'fly away peter' -lmho

oluSimeon said...

the Exotic one..
pls hurry up with the autobiography..since you've fired the person asking for exact year..

Nutty J. said...

*wiping laughter tears from eyes*

You are just crazy...autobiography of a crazy mad woman.

Keep it coming oh beautiful and exotic one...pls na