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Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Bunny Boilers wanted!

You people are not serious o.

Why are you all harassing me for my life story? I have told you the necessary lubricant needed to fix my rusty blogging wheels...Money!  And since you have all refused to cough up so I can be a bigz girl, I will tell my story when and if I please. Abi na by force?

Have you noticed that you’re becoming razzer by the day girl?

Ki lo mean?

That’s what I mean.

Oh! I have become a tad local in my delivery of the English language. That’s why I need to leave these ibi ise people and hang with my fellow posh speaking compatriots. And how am I supposed to do that if I’m giving you people freebies all the time?

Anyway, for the sake of peace I will continue with the story but first…

I know what I want to do with my life now. My calling was revealed to me yesterday whilst watching Fatal Attraction. I will become a psycho stalker girlfriend for hire. I will set up an agency of highly trained women to stalk and terrorise the cheating male population. Wives & girlfriend's can hire us to teach their straying boos a lesson. By the time I'm done carving " I love you and I'll rather kill you than lose you" on to the side of  his brand new jeep, he will be too scared to even look at his own mother let alone another woman.

Okkkk…What’s brought on this drastic career change then?

Well, walking home yesterday...

Ennnnn!!! Bigz girl you dey waka? Chai upon all the mouth.

Will you come on shut up. My office is round the corner from my house. No point polluting the planet any further. Think of the ozone layer dammit!

Lagos no get ozone layer. Talk true you no get money for red cab again abi?

I'm ignoring you commoner. 

As  I was saying...Walking home and guess who happened to see me and start honking?

Ain't got a clue?

Alhaji! Alhaji!!

I tried to pretend I hadn’t seen him but he came out of his car and started calling my name. See this alakoba. It's bad enough I have to walk through Lagos traffic and everyone thinks I’m poor, now he wants them to know my name as well. Rather than further embarrass myself by letting him scream my name any louder, I acknowledge his presence with a quick wave.

"Are you going home?" he says, ignoring the fact that all the bored motorists are now staring at us hoping for gist.

No ode! I just like to walk the streets of Lagos.

"Yes. Just off home. Nice to see you."

"Let me drop you off."

"It's fine. I’m almost there and you’re heading the wrong way anyway."

"I don't mind. I’ll turn the car around."

"In this traffic? It’s really quicker for me to walk."

"Come on. It will give us a chance to talk."


"You know" he says giving me a sexy gap toothed grin.

I no know o! Get thee behind me evil fornicator. In front of all these gbeborun drivers you want to koba me? It’s OK. I can now see that refusing your advances is not the way to go.

You want to date me abi? You go date me tire.

Ladies! Some men just don’t know the meaning of the word "NO!". They assume they are too hot to be rejected and your constant refusals are you playing hard to get. I mean, you’ve read my blog and I have made it clear that ain't interested right? So I think its time to move to plan B.

Now before I start, let me just warn you that plan B is not for the faint hearted. For it to fully work you must be a little crazy, which I am and fully committed to The Exotic Ones 5 step plan  to rid yourself of pests. Once you can accept these terms we are good to go…

Step 1: Pests never give up. It is their sole aim in life to win. So they will continue to harass you in the hope that one day you will be too depressed and lonely to know what you are doing and agree to meet up with them, sleep with them etc. So next time he calls or BB’s don’t ignore him. Respond. Be very friendly. Welcome his advances and agree to meet up with him. Lure him into a false sense of security. He’ll be thinking “Ashawo don gree at last. I’ve still got it” and you’ll be thinking “Now your ass is mine you cheating cockroach”.

Step 2: This is very important!!! The morning after your conversation/meeting, send this text/BB message

Good morning Love of my life. Dreamt about our wedding last night. It’s a sign that we are destined to be. I'm so glad you brought me round to your way of thinking. So what colour shirt are you wearing today so we can colour co-ordinate.

A normal man will take this as a sign that all ain’t right in this particular girl’s world and start to back away. But believe me there will be those who are a tad slow and will be feeling like a "G" thinking "There’s no way she ain’t gonna let me hit that." There will also be others who know you're  probably crazy but then decide they ain’t ever done a crazy chick and keep a coming.

Step 3: By lunch time of the same day, ensure that you have called every hour on the hour to ask if he’s missed you. Make sure you address him by a new term of endearment every time he’s stupid enough to pick up the phone…Hello darling, sweetum’s, o lo lu fe mi, my yori yori... The possibilities are endless. At some point during the day he will eventually stop taking your calls. You will then move on to e-mails, text messages and BBing. Only when he has blocked your e-mails and removed you from his BB list can you stop but not before he notices that you have changed your BB status to “The soon to be Mrs…..”

Step 4: A normal guy should be really turned off by now. But judging from my experience most pests aren’t normal. They are still hoping to hit it and run and like I said some guys are turned on by needy and crazy. So you’re gonna have take it up a notch and give him crazy. It’s up to you to decide what you want to do but it must involve public humiliation. I suggest waiting for him outside his office wearing a t-shirt that says “Insert pest's name here My O lo lu fe mi works here” and dancing to the tune of the talking drummers you have hired to serenade him out of the office into his car.

Step 5: This is usually not necessary after the public humiliation. At this point he should have snapped, threatened to deal with you and warned you never to come near him again. If he hasn’t then I beg just sleep with the bobo so you can move on with your life because his own crazy don pass my own.

Anyway I am expecting Alhaji to call any day now and then his cheating ass is mine.

As for my life story...might continue in my next post or I might not.

Darn it's good having all the power.


histreasure said...

show him u r a real woman on the brink or u can just fast-forward to step 5..lmho..

Nutty J. said...

I sure say Alhaji craze pass ur own ooooo....

But keep us posted sha

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