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Tuesday, July 20, 2010

OK! Now you can panic.

…and the sexual electricity in the car is enough to make NEPA redundant and power up the whole of Lagos for a year. Just as I’m puckering up for the snog of my life, he begins to laugh.

“You almost got me there Mena. Was that some kind of test to see if I had honorable intentions towards you? “



No test. Me wan kissy poo.

The only thing I want to test is if your lips fit over mine mugu. I can’t believe it. I’m practically handing myself over to him on a plate and he’s playing the "Gentleman". Does he know there are men that would kill to be in his shoes right now? I mean if it was Boli Lover or Alhaji, I wouldn’t even have finished the sentence before I found myself in the backseat with my La Perla’s hanging off the rear view mirror.

“Well I do. Not looking to fool around.” He says kissing me on the forehead

Whatever Sir Lancelot. Keep your chaste kisses to yourself. I can’t plan a future with you so the least you could do is give up some hot loving. Argh!!! Just take my deprived ass home.

He’s nattering on about God knows what as he drives towards my place but I’m no longer listening. I’m contemplating how long I’ll have to spend in jail if I manage to overpower him, drag him into the backseat and have my way with him. What is he? 5’10, maybe 120 pounds? I can take him. I’m sure tales of Kirikiri are all exaggerated and anyway I’m bound to lose weight in there. Darn! It’s too late. Home already.

Fine Lord you win. I shall obviously not be getting my groove on tonight or any other night till my wedding day.

He honks his horn to get the guard to open the gate and while we are waiting another car pulls up behind us.

Oh Lord why?!!! Is this my punishment for contemplating naughtiness?

It’s my mother’s car!!

What’s she doing here? She didn’t say anything about coming down to Lagos today?

I’m trapped. Even if I get out of the car and leg it, BB guy is blocked in. She would be on him like a rash before the poor guy could even say “Hi”.

Great! Here she comes.

My mother makes her way up to the car, ignores me totally and knocks on BB Guys window.

He gives me a puzzled look and I hide my face in embarrassment. Thank God I can’t marry him because this is definitely going to be the last time he’ll ever want to see me.

“It’s my mother.” I say.

“Oh! Cool!”

oh! You silly boy. This experience will be anything but cool.
He lowers his window and says “Good evening ma.”

“En hen… Good evening. Who are you and why is my daughter in your car at this time of night?”

“Mummy please.” I say. Trying to cut her off before she can say anything to damage my rep.

“Was I talking to you? Did you hear your name?”

“Mummy we just went out. So please stop bothering my friend with your questions.”

“N'gbo friend…are you bothered by my questions? Or doesn’t a mother have a right to ask where her unmarried daughter is coming from at this time of night?”

“Er…of course you do ma. We just went to watch a movie and I’m sorry if it’s late.”

“Look BB Guy no need to explain. I’m sorry about this.” I say getting out of the car

“Mummy, please tell Tony to reverse so he can get out.”

It’s like I’m not even speaking because the next thing she does is open his door and tell him to get out of the car.

“Come out my son let me see you. You’re very handsome o. Mena... he is handsome o. You try.”


“So are you married?”

“No ma!”

“Are you sure? Don’t think because I’m smiling with you I will not get my boys to deal with you mercilessly if I find out you are trying to turn my daughter into your concubine.”

“I would never dream of that ma.”

“Good boy!” Says my mother breaking into a big grin.

“So fine boy with fine car. My daughter is fine abi? A little fat but I’m sure by the time you marry her and start using her in the way the good Lord intended you will burn all that fat right off her. You look very agile. You actually remind me of my husband at your age. Her father and I could…”


I’m absolutely mortified. What on earth is wrong with this woman? Why does she think everyone wants to hear her reminisce about her love life? In one night, she has managed to achieve what my enemies having been trying to do for 2 decades…ruin my life. By the time he tells all his friends and they circulate the news like wildfire around Lagos, no sane man will ever want to date me again. Well, at least BB guy will no longer be available to me for lusting purposes after this, so that’s one problem solved.

“Why are you shouting? Can't me and your friend talk again? Or you are jealous?” she says laughing hysterically.

“Don’t worry. I m not stealing your boyfriend away.”

“He’s not my boyfriend. We’re just friends.”

“You are not a serious woman. At your age you are still doing we are just friends? Look! Young man. We are not looking for friends in this family o. We are looking for in-laws, so if you are not ready to become one oya enter your car and go.”

Poor BB guy looks like he just woke up and found himself in a bad horror movie. He tries to get back in his car but my mother pulls him back.

“You mean true true you are going to go? You don’t want to marry my daughter?”

“Well Ma…”says BB guy who has now broken into a cold sweat and is having trouble getting his words out.

“…It’s our first date and we’re still getting to know each other so haven’t really thought about marriage.”

My mother gives him the evils and shouts for the MOPO’s.

At this stage, even I have gone past embarrassed and I’m actually slightly concerned about the crazed look in her eye.

“Mummy please, just leave him alone and let him go.”

“Lamidi!” says my mother ignoring me.

Write down this boy’s license plate number and find out where he lives. He is to report here every evening for a month to come and get to know Mena. Should he not turn up even for one day, you are to go and find him and bring him here by force if necessary. After one month of getting to know her I either expect to see my future in-laws here with kola for her father or a full report on the reason why my daughter is not marriage material. Understood?”

“Yes ma!”

Shame…kill me now.

“Tony reverse and let him go. As for you Mena…enter house.”

Without even so much as a look in my direction, BB Guy gets in his car and zooms out of there and out of my life for good.

This is going to be my last post people. I don’t think they have Internet in Kirikiri, which is where I’ll be tomorrow after I’m arrested for killing my mother.


Nutty J. said...

Fiction right? hahaha...for one moment you almost got me there.

No way ur mum is that crazy....I mean she sounds more desperate.

No way...this is definetly fiction.

If you do not post tomorrow or next, I'll get a laptop over to you in kirikiri...cos I support that you sud 'assault' your kill am oooo.

Whats wrong with me sef...this is fiction.

Anonymous said...

Mena, as much as BB guy is embarrassed,u shd wait for the aftermath...

histreasure said...

good..d guy has gotten the message, i'm sure, mama needs to be planning wedding asap
lmho -ur mama is a xter for real

Mena UkodoisReady said...

Babes no offence but you seem to be on a loong thing.

Your blog reads like the 'so called' Twlilight Saga, very long with words but short on action. Do you actually like this kind of thing?

Far be it from me to say that you shd do anything including holding hands before wedding night, but you for purchase from the bridal undies section of la perla or agent provacateur sef, if true true you wan wait na?

Plus, I agree when you reject married man, and bisexual man but haba you reject what you seem to like all because he is not a christian ke? Where you or any of us born a christian? No be person take im time minister unto us till we take our decision so?

sha now you have rejected oga porshe, nain be say you suppose dey happily single until the tall, dark, handsome, aston martin car ownner, sexy, mfm dedicated christian, who attends 4 times a week, yet has a good job, no liabilities nor baggage, who wwill date you for 12months without so much as a handshake and then with that blingy bigassed diamond ring, suddenly sweep you into married wedded bliss...till then, my friend, you are happily single and NOT single and searching cus babe such specific details that effective reduces the from the pool of available 'worthy' men.

Then again, wetin consain me, am merely a reader in need of a great story o jare, make i go check the next blog, action fit dey there :P :P

p.s: since he is not good enough for you, try hand am to us 'fallen christains' 'filthy sinners' type na..just saying o..LOL

Nutty J. said...

hahahaha...mena ukodoisready: GBAM!!!


Mena UkodoisReady said...

....and we definitely go know why we buy CORSET, BODY STOCKINGS, and other victoria secrets inspired things ooo. ehen!

Agonizedtie said...

Mena, the other Mena- with the wide ass... you too worry..joo, how far with you cataloging all our heroine's fallen men... and wanting them for your self.. cant you just read and let it be... after all it is someone's blog... and if she choses to be super fussy it is all based on the musing of her demented mind.. (demented mentioned with the highest admiration and affection)

Mena Jare.. (owner of blog) methinks should i have been subjected to your pain or imagined it in my head... it is not kirirkiri, na Guantanamo Bay straight by the time i am done....
our Mothers should join forces.... and we can set them up with running a house for unmarried mothers... i bet in a few weeks the house will change to house of slightly delayed married mothers.

they will find homes for all pregnancies and carriers with amazing success and maybe take the heat off us.

As for the dude, if he comes back run... hell hath no freak like the one who returneth after such an encounter- there is no such power in anyone's hotness, including your own.

Mena UkodoisReady said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mena UkodoisReady said...

@ Agonized: wetin deyagonise u inside, shuo why e dey pain u?
Yep its her blog, but she left a space for gbeboruns like you and me to leave feedback, no? And I know 100% of you leave comments that kissarse (suck up) to our heroine, lol, but once in a while sexy contrarians show up na. we cant allthink in the same manner. bikonu.
Haba, you misunderstand me, she can be fussy with men, o jare, lonely nights in,spotting bole, and other-picky-single-thirrysunthing-inspired-alternative-grooves-fit dey nigeria, wetin consain me as observer there? so FMJ...

but ya other statement, haba, nfmh oh, dont you know, 'fallen men'..just like us curvalicious, drop dead gorgeous, slightly lunatic but adultsized ass, supersexy babes, need love too! :P

Finally, 'wide ass'? mkg? ddd! dont hate jo, appreciate!either call it African wild ass or better still Equus africanus africanus lol. btw check my latest blog for an education o, no dey dull yourself

@mena: like i have written several times before, your mum reminds me of my mum...who has found newer and clever ways to track available men, its uncanny!! but sha (no long tin) nlt


p.s: If interested in knowing the meaning of those acroynyms.

if not interested, wfgy or esle wgjl! :D

Agonizedtie said...

Mena is ready... me thinking you wanna just tousle... LOL, more power to you.. the wide ass remark is reference for the last picture you had on... not a chance it is a personal reference, as i am sure i couldnt pick out your ass in a line up.
so does this end this, as you needed to write me twice... tells me you just want to let off steam... as for being an arse kisser... ah well , it only depends on the ass truly. i have read your blog... NOT your ass honey!
anyway i am a firm believer in if you dont have any thing nice to say - shut it or frame it in a diplomatic manner... yours just had ethanol written all over it.. why are you so pained about her opportunities and her refusal to take them?? clearly evident most of the writing only happens in her head anyway, so you clamoring for men in her head ...... that is decidedly freaky - need to check if there is a name for that ailment...
*i am a trouble maker, scouring the internet for battles, and i am a little bored... so we can do this for any length of time, but let's find somewhere outside of this lady's blog... perhaps i come to your blog ? *

Mena UkodoisReady said...

(mumbling to myself) * Oturugbeke okokobioko, see me see troubu, abi dem send am? Mena herself did not take offence oh, na pelzin wan drink panadol! By the way she writes, I believe she is matured enough and would 'get' my sense of humour, and also the underlying message beneath the pidgin english and outlandish acronyms*

@Agonised, I have several sides to my personality. I have adopted my demented persona in this blog so far, and so if I want her 'imaginary friends', free me to want oh! :)

// as you needed to write me twice... //

yawn, look blogspot doesnt leave room for editing after publishing, that is why i deleted my first comment. But luckily blogspot will still deliver the comments, so if you read both posts, you would see that the main points of my comment remained the same.

By the way, if you did read my blog, 40% of what i write are on a sarcastic note. In addition, the general thrust of my comments in blogsville, largely depends on the mood of the poster, so if, like nutty j, it is more on a serious note, I adopt that persona in my reply and so on.

// anyway i am a firm believer in if you dont have any thing nice to say - shut it or frame it in a diplomatic manner... yours just had ethanol written all over it.. why are you so pained about her opportunities and her refusal to take them?? //

*trying to stop myself from snoring,,yaaawwwwn* It is your belief and I do not subscribe to that, particulaly in this instant. You think mine has ethanol, give ourself an applause, but I dont agree with you. Look, one consistent principle here is that if the blogger leaves space for comments,then we, the readers are free to indulge ne? I generally oblige them.

Plus I am not afraid to be contrary to what the majority are saying. However no matter how demented I may sound, I do give way to superior arguments,and accept where I am wrong. I respect knowledge above all rants.

//i am a trouble maker, scouring the internet for battles//

Trouble maker..come oh, are you vertically challenged? Cus in my experience, it is the vertically challenged that assign the describes themselves as trouble maker.just saying oo, ehen. :)

Look smd, you are free to come to my blog, it is open all souls: demented or not. It has a column for feedback and I particularly welcome contrary opinions by people who can give a robust argument in defence of their position. But wallahi tallahi, I have little patience for chidish spews, namecalling and virtiolic insults with nothing at all to gain from whether humour or intellectual vex.

Bottom line: I have a right to criticise this blog, just as much as you have the right to kissass, besides the author is free to block us critics if she wants or even take me up on my points if she wants as well. no hard feelings there.

So why is it paining you wey be waka pass just like me now? see me see troubu o

*off to get my AK47, as this might be a tough one*

Yours with the correct, fine, brilliantly toned, adult size, delicious ass

Mena said...

Ah ladies! Wetin dey? I no fit leave blog for 10 minutes without you all tying your geles round your waist to fight?

My money is on my namesake sha. No offence Agonizedtie but the other Mena sounds ghetto and could probably do some damage. Thanks for stating the obvious though. You do well. Will pay your medical expenses after the battle.

As for you Mena, who no wan mind her own business. Now who's on long ting with this essay you write for comment box? Last I looked...My blog, my life and my business how I choose to live it o.

Abi they send you come? You should know I no send anybody and will continue on my merry if crazy way of doing things.

Also, I believe everyone here is an adult, so "Ass kissing" comment a tad condescending and unnecessary mate.

But will email you a list of my no hopers to show there are no hard feelings.Toodles!!!

PS: Damn! Na lie if I say no jealous that your behind o. God dey!

Mena UkodoisReady said...

LNGKMQ! Please post next blog jor!

Nutty J. said... must have done/said something good.

This is actually the first time Mena Exotic One is commenting on her own post in response to comments...and that is wonderful.

Exotic one....continue with ur autobiography na....abi you don press 'stop' for that one