OK! Now you can panic.

…and the sexual electricity in the car is enough to make NEPA redundant and power up the whole of Lagos for a year. Just as I’m puckering up for the snog of my life, he begins to laugh.


“You almost got me there Mena. Was that some kind of test to see if I had honorable intentions towards you? “

Huh?

Test?

No test. Me wan kissy poo.

The only thing I want to test is if your lips fit over mine mugu. I can’t believe it. I’m practically handing myself over to him on a plate and he’s playing the "Gentleman". Does he know there are men that would kill to be in his shoes right now? I mean if it was Boli Lover or Alhaji, I wouldn’t even have finished the sentence before I found myself in the backseat with my La Perla’s hanging off the rear view mirror.

“Well I do. Not looking to fool around.” He says kissing me on the forehead

Whatever Sir Lancelot. Keep your chaste kisses to yourself. I can’t plan a future with you so the least you could do is give up some hot loving. Argh!!! Just take my deprived ass home.

He’s nattering on about God knows what as he drives towards my place but I’m no longer listening. I’m contemplating how long I’ll have to spend in jail if I manage to overpower him, drag him into the backseat and have my way with him. What is he? 5’10, maybe 120 pounds? I can take him. I’m sure tales of Kirikiri are all exaggerated and anyway I’m bound to lose weight in there. Darn! It’s too late. Home already.

Fine Lord you win. I shall obviously not be getting my groove on tonight or any other night till my wedding day.

He honks his horn to get the guard to open the gate and while we are waiting another car pulls up behind us.

Oh Lord why?!!! Is this my punishment for contemplating naughtiness?

It’s my mother’s car!!

What’s she doing here? She didn’t say anything about coming down to Lagos today?

I’m trapped. Even if I get out of the car and leg it, BB guy is blocked in. She would be on him like a rash before the poor guy could even say “Hi”.

Great! Here she comes.

My mother makes her way up to the car, ignores me totally and knocks on BB Guys window.

He gives me a puzzled look and I hide my face in embarrassment. Thank God I can’t marry him because this is definitely going to be the last time he’ll ever want to see me.

“It’s my mother.” I say.

“Oh! Cool!”

oh! You silly boy. This experience will be anything but cool.
He lowers his window and says “Good evening ma.”

“En hen… Good evening. Who are you and why is my daughter in your car at this time of night?”

“Mummy please.” I say. Trying to cut her off before she can say anything to damage my rep.

“Was I talking to you? Did you hear your name?”


“Mummy we just went out. So please stop bothering my friend with your questions.”


“N'gbo friend…are you bothered by my questions? Or doesn’t a mother have a right to ask where her unmarried daughter is coming from at this time of night?”


“Er…of course you do ma. We just went to watch a movie and I’m sorry if it’s late.”

“Look BB Guy no need to explain. I’m sorry about this.” I say getting out of the car

“Mummy, please tell Tony to reverse so he can get out.”

It’s like I’m not even speaking because the next thing she does is open his door and tell him to get out of the car.

“Come out my son let me see you. You’re very handsome o. Mena... he is handsome o. You try.”

“Mummy!”


“So are you married?”


“No ma!”


“Are you sure? Don’t think because I’m smiling with you I will not get my boys to deal with you mercilessly if I find out you are trying to turn my daughter into your concubine.”


“I would never dream of that ma.”

“Good boy!” Says my mother breaking into a big grin.

“So fine boy with fine car. My daughter is fine abi? A little fat but I’m sure by the time you marry her and start using her in the way the good Lord intended you will burn all that fat right off her. You look very agile. You actually remind me of my husband at your age. Her father and I could…”


“MOTHER PLEASE!”

I’m absolutely mortified. What on earth is wrong with this woman? Why does she think everyone wants to hear her reminisce about her love life? In one night, she has managed to achieve what my enemies having been trying to do for 2 decades…ruin my life. By the time he tells all his friends and they circulate the news like wildfire around Lagos, no sane man will ever want to date me again. Well, at least BB guy will no longer be available to me for lusting purposes after this, so that’s one problem solved.

“Why are you shouting? Can't me and your friend talk again? Or you are jealous?” she says laughing hysterically.

“Don’t worry. I m not stealing your boyfriend away.”

“He’s not my boyfriend. We’re just friends.”


“You are not a serious woman. At your age you are still doing we are just friends? Look! Young man. We are not looking for friends in this family o. We are looking for in-laws, so if you are not ready to become one oya enter your car and go.”

Poor BB guy looks like he just woke up and found himself in a bad horror movie. He tries to get back in his car but my mother pulls him back.

“You mean true true you are going to go? You don’t want to marry my daughter?”

“Well Ma…”says BB guy who has now broken into a cold sweat and is having trouble getting his words out.

“…It’s our first date and we’re still getting to know each other so haven’t really thought about marriage.”

My mother gives him the evils and shouts for the MOPO’s.

At this stage, even I have gone past embarrassed and I’m actually slightly concerned about the crazed look in her eye.

“Mummy please, just leave him alone and let him go.”


“Lamidi!” says my mother ignoring me.

“Write down this boy’s license plate number and find out where he lives. He is to report here every evening for a month to come and get to know Mena. Should he not turn up even for one day, you are to go and find him and bring him here by force if necessary. After one month of getting to know her I either expect to see my future in-laws here with kola for her father or a full report on the reason why my daughter is not marriage material. Understood?”


“Yes ma!”

Shame…kill me now.

“Tony reverse and let him go. As for you Mena…enter house.”

Without even so much as a look in my direction, BB Guy gets in his car and zooms out of there and out of my life for good.

This is going to be my last post people. I don’t think they have Internet in Kirikiri, which is where I’ll be tomorrow after I’m arrested for killing my mother.